Why Do We Speak Badly to Ourselves?

I was talking to my daughter just the other day after a spiral of negative emotion that sucked my family down into the depths of despair. After a cry out for help and an outburst of desperation, I was left to my own devices. My family rejected my need, and I felt worthless and abandoned. My thoughts began spiraling in a direction I didn't want them to go... and I was just trying to wash my bedclothes. 

After a few moments of self-reflection, I was able to pull myself out of myself and get a clearer perspective. My emotions were still reeling, but I put them safely in a zip-lock bag of thought and watched them swirl inside their plastic prison, unable to use them to do anything too drastic.

After fighting with my-fangled new washer, I actually coaxed it to spin my comforter dry. I sat, exhausted from physical and emotional pain, both from past and present injury. My physical health has not been great the last few years, and I was a burden to my family. My daughters were tired of me and I was sure they would be better off without me.

After gathering what I could from the dryer, I grabbed my cane and headed upstairs, dragging the clean laundry on the dusty basement floor. I asked for help, but I got none because I swore at the washer in frustration a half hour before. I hung my head in shame and walked up the stairs, carefully placing my cane's rubber foot firmly on each tread. I was hitting the front of each step smartly in fear of falling, and frustration of being left.

After laying in my bed a while, one of my daughters came in. She is the thoughtful one who never gave me any trouble growing up. 

She sat on the couch beside my bed and said, "You know, you are a good mom. You've overcome a lot, and I appreciate that you are working hard... but I have to tell you something..."

"What sweets?"

"When you talk bad about yourself, I mean, it's hard to be around that and not be affected by it."

I then saw why God handed me the zip-lock bag. He wanted the negative words coming out of my mouth to stop pouring pain into my family. My negative emotions were making a mess of their self-image as well as my own.

Remember that no good thing comes of beating yourself up, verbally or physically. You are more than likely hurting the people you love most in the process.

Copyright 2024 Emma Christoff

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